Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
