I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
