Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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