Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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