how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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