the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
