Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
