So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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