That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Houston, we have a blender
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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