absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We need to get me chipped asap
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
