Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
