Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
