Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
