chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
