I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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