Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
