I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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