we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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