Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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