If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
