I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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