If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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