Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
