Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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