You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
