Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
