People with herpes should wear stickers.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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