i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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