just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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