what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
