Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
