I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
