We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
