Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
