Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
