Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
