remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Bring me that man meat
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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