you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
