Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize