I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize