At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
