I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
