This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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