im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I could fuck to npr.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
