i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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