i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
