My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
