I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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