no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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