just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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