Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We left the knife in your bed.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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