I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
