eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
