Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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