There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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