I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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