I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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