Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
