Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
