they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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