I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize