I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize
