and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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