i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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