Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
